Cyclic

I haven’t been running much in the past few weeks. If I’m being honest, I haven’t had much motivation in the running department and it’s felt more like a chore than something of enjoyment. Often when I start focusing more on numbers, time or a long race… I experience a little burn out and that initial inspiration starts to dwindle. Truthfully, not running as much really hasn’t bothered me. The good thing about not solely basing your identity in one area is that you don’t create unnecessary, unhealthy pressure on yourself to have to live up to a certain expectation. I’ve found it better in some ways to be a chameleon.

Dedication is strange because dedication is where you get good at shit and get to experience things the undedicated don’t get to experience, but dedication can also lead to emptiness in other avenues of one’s life. Take running a 100 miles for example…. despite what Weed Goat has to say, a 100 miles is a long freakin’ way. Whether you run, walk, crawl or even DNF… the simple act of training for such a distance requires persistence and sacrifice in other areas of your life. Maybe you’re sacrificing time away from your family and friends, maybe you’re sacrificing other entertainment avenues such as drinking, partying or hitting the bar… maybe it’s sleep. Whatever it may be… dedication leads to sacrifice in some way to pursue a specific goal. I highly respect anyone that committed to pursuing a specific goal.

I’ve really enjoyed training for the “shorter” ultras (specifically 50 milers) in the past year or so. It’s a great distance that allows harder efforts and doesn’t take up an entire 24hrs. Plus, the training doesn’t have to be as intensive. I’ve found a lot of balance in that type of training and it’s been mostly lighthearted and fun. Ive gotten the opportunity to focus on multiple areas of life without having the main focus be running.

I think part of the lack of inspiration, dedication and motivation I’ve felt lately stems from signing up for another 100 miler. It’s been 2 years since I’ve covered the distance and just haven’t been able find that deep rooted desire to put forth the training to perform the way I would like to perform in that specific distance. Training has kinda been redundant and boring. Perhaps it’s running the same repetitive run around my neighborhood or the same ole drony long run at Red Mtn, but whatever the core of it’s cause… it doesn’t really matter.

Part of covering different distances in this sport is figuring out what you enjoy the most. Ive been dabbling in this sport for 10 years now and still learning what I enjoy the most. I think at the top of it all… I like the simple art of moving your body through a beautiful environment and the connection it brings with nature.

Chimney Tops from the off trail manway in GSMNP

In the past few months, my focus, time and energy has shifted more towards music and crafting my therapeutic practice in the work setting rather than running. Those 2 areas are where I’m feeling most inspired and motivated so naturally, they’ve been receiving the bulk of my thoughts and time.

I’ve been writing a ton songs and it’s been hella fun and a great outlet for me. On the work front, I’ve been exploring other avenues of the mental health world such as after hours crisis, probate/court psych evals. It’s been a fun process discovering what area of therapy speaks to me most.

The older I get, the more I’m starting to recognize my own cycles/patterns of behaviors. More importantly, I’ve started to honor those aspects of my intuition. I’ve found that I don’t always have to be inspired or be on fire to run… and when these cycles happen… it’s important to recognize that it’s natural and I shouldn’t throw too much emphasis on trying to figure out the “why” behind it. That fire is always there… it just sometimes presents as a slow burning simmer instead of a raging flame.

I went out yesterday with Matty Fierce to nail down the Thrift Store Half Marathon route.

The cool crisp of the approaching Fall in the air and being back on some good ole fashion single track produced a sense of excitement for Fall/Winter trail running. I’m looking forward to getting back to some fun and relaxed running without being so goal focused here in the next month or so.

Does anyone else have patterns in their own lives they’ve recognized?

“We all just live in cycles. We all belong to the stars. Our souls long for revival. Be true to who you are.”

“Fall From Grace”

Fall From Grace live at Ryktor
Call it women’s intuition
Call it anything you want
But self respect and dignity
Were the first things that you lost
I don’t need your point of reason
You don’t have to say a word
Close your lips, bite your tongue 
And save it for the birds

Not a long way to fall
Not a long way to fall
Not a long way to fall, to fall from grace

You’re no angel, you’re no saint
Come to grips with what you ain't
Say goodbye and let it go

Light a match and watch it burn
Bridges broken, lessons learned 
Tired of living in your world. 

I’m pulling broken arrows 
And daggers from my back
You don’t get to play the victim
When you’re the one out on attack
I don't mean to stir up trouble
Lord knows that you know best
You wear your pain for the world to see
Like a patch sewn on your chest

Not a long way to fall
Not a long way to fall
Not a long way to fall
To fall from grace. 

You’re no angel, you’re no saint
Come to grips with what you aint
Say goodbye and let it go
Light a match and watch it burn
Bridges broken, lessons learned
I’m tired of living in your world

I don’t meet your expectations
I don’t need that shit at all
I don’t meet your expectations darling
I don’t need that at all! 

You’re no angel, you’re no saint
Come to grips with what you aint
Say goodbye and I'll let you go

When God Lets You Down

When God Lets You Down live @ Ryktor
When God lets you down 
Left you alone and crying in the summer
Makes you wonder why you even bother praying
When God lets you down

Brooklyn, Brooklyn don't you fear
Even when the Devils in your ear
Bigger pictures aren't always so clear
Take comfort knowing that your God is near
When God lets you down 

Brooklyn, Brooklyn don't you cry
Wipe away those tear drops from your eyes
When those baby blues feel like they've lost the light
Take another look deep down inside
When God lets you down

When God lets you down
Left you alone and crying in the summer
Makes you wonder why you even bother praying
When God lets you down

Brooklyn, Brooklyn don't you know
Heavens looking down on you below
When you're lost and it feels like there's no hope
Keep counting all your blessings like before
When God lets you down 

Brooklyn, Brooklyn can't you see
Everything's not always what it seems 
Mountains can be moved with faith sized mustard seeds 
Hold on tight to what your heart believes 
When God lets you down 

When God lets you down
Left you alone and crying in the summer
Makes you wonder why you even bother praying
When God lets you down

God take control
They ripped him from his home
Far from everything he knows 
God take control
Is there something that we're missing
Are You even up there listing

Brooklyn, Brooklyn don't you cry 
Wipe away those tear drops from your eyes 
When those baby blues feel like they've lost the light 
Take another look deep down inside 

“Chasing Light”

Chasing Light live at Ryktor
The tears in your eyes makes me want to change
Makes me want to be a better man for someone like you 
The words on your lips make me feel ashamed 
Makes me rearrange everything for someone like you 

Well I'm not the man that I thought I would grow to be 
When I look into this mirror it's not what I want to see 
More and more it feels like 
I'm living someone else's dream
It's time to start living
It's time to start living
It's time to start living for me! 

The tears in your eyes makes me want to stay 
Makes me want to say all the words that I can't say to you 
The fear in your voice makes me feel afraid 
Makes me want to be a stronger man for someone like you 

Well I'm not the man that I thought I would grow to be
When I look into this mirror it's not what I want to see
More and more it feels like 
I'm living someone else's dream
It's time to start living
It's time to start living
It's time to start living for me!

I'll pack all my bags and head out West 
Where the skies always blue with red sunsets 
And I'll watch the sunrise through brand new eyes
I'll say goodbye to everyone I know 
Leave a note on the table with words I wrote 
Saying, "I'll be alright. Just chasing Light." 

The tears in your eyes makes me want to go 
Makes me want to show the world that
 I can be so much more for you 
The state of your soul makes me want to pray 
Makes me think that I might be a man that could be saved 

Well I'm not the man that I thought I would grow to be
When I look into this mirror it's not what I want to see
More and more it feels like
 I'm living someone else's dream
It's time to start living
It's time to start living
It's time to start living for me!

I'll pack all my bags and head out West
Where the skies always blue with red sunsets
And I'll watch the sunrise through brand new eyes
I'll say goodbye to everyone I know
Leave a note on the table with words I wrote
Saying, "I'll be alright. Just chasing Light."


“Painting Pictures”

Painting Pictures live at UMmm It’s Music
The desert's cold tonight, the moon hangs high above me
You grip my pillow tight and hum along while I sing
You keep painting pictures, I keep writing songs
About how I won't miss her when I come back home 

They say the writings on the wall 
But you keep painting pictures, painting pictures
All night long

The City in the Pines, Hotel Monte Vista
I count the highway miles to drown out the distance
The blood spilled on your canvas, my words hang from a wire
Flowers left suspended for another life. 

 They say the writings on the wall
But you keep painting pictures, painting pictures
All night long

This westward wind keeps blowing 
Our words into the sky 
Split tongues leave words unspoken 
And I don't ask why

We walk down San Francisco, your hand locked tight in mine
You're quoting Casablanca, I stumble through my lines
"Here's looking at you kid," the gin is running low
I stare into the sunset thinking thoughts you'll never know

They say the writings on the wall
But you keep painting pictures, painting pictures
All night long

“Halo” – American Dream Factory

We set out. 
You can still smell the rain from the edge of town. 
We walk slowly and you turn to say, 
"But they don't even know me." 

They only judge what you have done. 
They will never know the pain you have been through, no. 
They only see a loaded gun, not a victim of a game you weren't playing. 

Now there's tattooed memories, angel wings on her wrist. 
And one little golden halo you can't miss. 
A permanent scar reminder of a night that she can't change 
She said goodbye to a baby with no name. 

Tears fall down your swollen cheeks 
as we push our way through the crowd. 
I turn and smile, 
"It'll all be ok in a little while." 

They only judge what you have done.
They will never know the pain you have been through, no.
They only see a loaded gun, not a victim of a game you weren't playing.

Now there's tattooed memories, angel wings on her wrist.
And one little golden halo you can't miss.
A permanent scar reminder of a night that she can't change
She said goodbye to a baby with no name.

She laid her head in my lap and she cried herself to sleep. 
"I never even saw the face of the man who took my innocence from me." 
And I said, "I will always love you." 

Now there's tattooed memories, angel wings on her wrist
And one little golden halo you can't miss.
A permanent scar reminder of a night that she can't change
She said goodbye to a baby with no name.